A memo to my dogs

To: Kiana and Chloe

From: Jonathan

CC: Diana

Kiana and Chloe: In the spirit of providing direct and actionable feedback I thought I would share some general observations in the hope that perhaps you can modify certain behaviors. This is, of course, just the start of a longer conversation so I appreciate you both taking the time to read and reflect on the sentiments contained herein.

There are several points I would like to address:

1. I fully understand that your hindquarters are a prime spot for where you would like to be scratched and I try to address that part of your anatomy in the course of our normal petting sessions. However, turning around and shoving your butt in my face is a poor way to address your positional scratching needs.  Let me remind you that you do like other areas scratched as well and I think it is important to be balanced. If you feel like your hindquarters are being neglected perhaps we can have a conversation about it or you can make a quick 360 to make your point. Our species likes to communicate face to face and our scratching session are an important aspect of how we communicate.
2. We all poop and we all have our special places we like to do that. Can we just agree that the patio is not one of those special places? We have installed a wide variety of earthen surfaces in the yard that provide a great degree of stability, privacy (though  admittedly this does not seem like a concern) and the ability to do that natural earth covering thing you do. Thank you for your cooperation on this important matter.
3. I know that you both like to explore your inner wild beast. I am sure that choosing your lying down place with caution has some value in the wild as you don’t want to lie on a snake or bees nest. Let me assure you that your doggy blankets have been carefully selected to ensure that they are hazard free.There is actually no need to make a dozen careful circles around the blanket before lying down, that kind of freaks some people out. Just go to the blanket and lie down, you will be fine.
4. I understand and embrace your natural curiosity, but they call it a “walk” for a reason. Remember the acronym SSMO. It stands for “Stop, Sniff, Move On”. Look, I get it that somewhere in the deep recesses of that hedge their lies the remains of a rodent in their final repose, but we aren’t on our walk to exhume rodents. If at some point we want to take a pickax with us and go dead animal mining perhaps we can do that, but we won’t call it a walk. Remember, SSMO.
5. You only have two jobs: Yard protection and visitor greeting. On the yard protection front can you please kill the fucking squirrels that eat all our fruit?  I get that it may take some creativity, but occasional barking is not doing the trick. This is America, go online and get a gun or something, ok?
6. Finally, On visitor greeting you are doing a fine job, but Chloe? Can you please differentiate between those visitors that love you and those that wish we actually didn’t have a dog. There are many of us who truly appreciate doggy kisses, but please, no means no and non-welcome doggy kisses should be rigorously avoided.

Thank you for your attention to these matters, perhaps we can discuss during our evening scratch session today?